Talking to Cops in Sri Lanka

What an experience it is talking to police officers in Sri Lanka. Even here [in Canada], I’m a bit of smart ass when talking to cops and I’m especially bad if I haven’t done anything wrong. Here are a couple of funny incidents that happened to me back in April, two nights IN A ROW! When you read this you’ll see it sounds like something that would only happen in a TV comedy, but this is how it went!

Night 1:

The cop asked me for my license and I had forgotten it at home, so I handed him my Medicare card instead. No problem.

- Selvarajah? You Tamil?
- Yes. Is that a problem?
- No, no. Where you live?
- Canada.
- OK…you drink?
- Mmm…yeah, sometimes.
- No! No! Today! Today!
- Oh, today? Yes, a few hours ago.
- Ahhhhh…I smell you.
- OK?
- You know breathalyzer?
- Yeah, where is it, give it to me.
- Where your insurance?
I started taking out all the papers in the glove compartment because I didn’t know which was which (I can’t read Sinhala). He then said:
- No. You no have insurance. Sfot pine.
- What?
- Sfot pine! Sfot pine!
- OK, I don’t know what you’re saying. Whatever.
- Fine NOW!
- OH! SPot Fine? OK, how much?
- Rs.350
- So much?! OK, can I send it in the mail tomorrow?
I only said this because I figured he was looking for a bribe. He confirmed my suspicion when he said:
- Yes, but you don’t have money to pay now?
- No, sorry men. No money.
He hands me back my Medicare card and says:
- OK…well…you foreigner, no? Go.
- Thank you officer. See you later.

He let me go, since he saw I wasn’t going to give him money. No fine, no bribe; not bad at all.

Night 2:

This time I was with a girl and apparently the formula is: young guy driving + girl = trouble. Chunky cop who looked like a jerk pulls me over and says something in Singhalese. I tell him I don’t speak Singhalese. He says:

- Ah, you don’t know Sinhala?
- No. What’s the problem?
- License please?
- Here.
- Ah, you Sri Lankan? Tamil. No Sinhala?
He then told the other cop that I was lying. I said:
- Listen, you’re wasting my time. What’s the problem?
- You drink?
- No.
- I can smell you drink.
I started laughing and he walked off. He then spent about 5 minutes on a walky-talky. I got out of the car and said:
- Listen I have to go. What’s going on?
- Where’s passport?
- I just went out for dinner. I don’t carry my passport everywhere.
- (sarcastically) Oh…you don’t carry your passport everywhere…ah?
- (in his accent) You no hear? That’s what I say.
- OK, vait, vait. I call other police.
In a few minutes another idiot cop comes along with the little breathalyzer thing. He looks at my card, then at me and says:
-Tamil?
- Yes. Hurry up and give me the test.
The first loser cop says:
- You here for holiday?
- No. Tsunami relief.
- Tsunami? OK. You go then.
He gives me back my license. Shocked, I say:
- What?
- OK, OK, go.
- So wait. If Tsunami work, then can drink and drive?
- You know, you work hard in day, you come back, have some drink. Can still drive little, no? You go.
- Can still drive LITTLE? You’re crazy, but whatever.
He then starts taunting me:
-Next time you come, I charge!
- Charge me with what!? Give me the test now!
- No, no. Go. You come help here, I help you.
I got back into the car at this point. He continues to laugh and sarcastically says:
- I help you. You want petrol for car? I give you.
I got back out of the car and said:
- Actually, I do need gas. Do you have some money?
- Ah, ok, ok.
- No, no, really, you want to give me money for gas, give me Rs.1,000. I need some gas!
- Yes, yes, go, go.
- (in his accent) Anney, vhat machang, just give Rs.1,000 men!
- Go, go

Once again, no bribe, no fine, I’m on a roll! :)

I wrote these entries as I came home those nights. You might think this is funny, but some of my friends have told me MUCH funnier stories when dealing with cops. Do you have a funny cop story? :)